you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
