from now on my penis is your penis
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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