Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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