rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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