1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
