Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
