Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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