His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
