Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
