tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
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