It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
You took a bar mat shot.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
