My Higher Power is John Stamos
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
