I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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