my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
