I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
