just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
