So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
