I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
