Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
