meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
two words...techno handjob
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize
