Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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