how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
