Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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