I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
