My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
