she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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