He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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