I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
