you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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