Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
