I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
