either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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