I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
