3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Just fell off a train. Bad.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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