I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
