I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
