I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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