You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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