Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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