I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
