dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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