Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
