if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
