I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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