I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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