she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
