I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
