Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
