Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
