I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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