You're completely useless in the revolution.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
