Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
