but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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