Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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