Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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